I think we have many issues in the nature of sex and virginity in our current society. As with any “feminist issue”, we are programmed to accept inequality and double standards as a natural part of life. But, what if more of us spoke out? Furthermore, what if more of us spoke out without the fear of being ridiculed or verbally attacked as a consequence?
Men and women are different. We have different hormones, genitalia and in general, different ways of thinking. Of course, there are many exceptions to this “rule of thumb”. But what if we considered, for a moment, that men and women aren’t as different as we are programmed to believe they are?
We live in a world that is constantly moving forward. Once upon a time, women had virtually no rights. They were in this world solely to service men through sexual satisfaction, to service the human race through reproduction and to service men through care and hospitality. Women did not have the opportunities available to progress in terms of education, employment and leadership roles. In short, women were in this world to be submissive to men.
We have come a long way throughout the years. In the first world, women are now able to access education and advanced employment opportunities. Women are now legally able to vote, drive cars and even wear trousers! I would never for one second deny that women’s rights have progressed enormously. And I am eternally grateful for the opportunities I now have as a consequence to the feminist protesting of the past.
But, with any movement, there is always room for improvement and progression. Women are, in many ways, equal to men in our current, first world society. But, there are still blatantly clear issues among us. I have found however from my experience that even the most “blatantly clear issues” can become dangerously normalized and simply accepted as a natural part of life.
I don’t think that our future generations can remain in a world where men and women are still socially segregated to the extent that they are. That is why I would like to speak out. I know that in my lifetime, things mightn’t change as I would like to see them change. And my voice alone may be small, but several voices are heard whereas one is not necessarily. I think it’s time we all took more of an interest in our surroundings. Without voice, without progression, humankind would not be able to lead the world effectively.
I would like to address the double standards that exist between men and women. There are indeed numerous double standards, but today I would like to specify towards the double standards and social inequality that exists in terms of sex, virginity and sexuality in general.
As children, we are defined by our genders on an unconscious level. We are literally defined to such an extent that many of us are programmed to believe men and women are far more different to each other than they are in actuality.
A female child is encouraged to be pretty, well presented and reserved. If a female child expresses seemingly “masculine traits”, she is referred to as a “tomboy”. If a female child aspires to be a leader, she is deemed “bossy”. If a female child chooses to reject feminine toys, and instead relates more with masculine toys, she is discouraged from doing so. Once the gender of a female child is confirmed in pregnancy, many parents automatically assume that their daughter will be someone that she may not necessarily become. It is assumed she will be caring. It is assumed she will be fragile. It is assumed she will be passive. It is assumed that she will be a mother one day. The list goes on.
A male child is encouraged to have a strong presence. We do this as a society by creating male-geared toys such as guns, building blocks, science sets. We encourage our male children to take on leadership roles. We encourage our male children to build things, to use logic and reason, to perform well scientifically and mathematically. We encourage our male children to be physically strong. We encourage our male children to take on the role of “protector” towards female children. We encourage our male children to cover up emotion. We both indirectly and very directly teach our male children that portraying emotion is negative and thus “weak”.
The female child and the male child grow up believing that they are their gender. But what if we lived in a world where strength vs weakness, emotional vs non-emotional, leader vs follower, and protector vs nurturer were, in fact, not defined by gender?
What if we lived in a world where boys became confident, emotionally expressive, caring, paternal young men, without the fear of being ridiculed or socially excluded as a consequence?
What if we lived in a world where girls became confident, expressive, opinionated, scientifically-minded, successful leaders without being referred to as a “bossy bitch” or “manly” for doing so?
You might be wondering at this point what all of this has got to do with sexuality and social double standards. The answer is everything.
The female child grows up into the female teenager. The female teenager is constantly aware of her body. The female teenager feels inadequate and cripplingly under-confident socially, in expression, politically, in the workforce and in education. The female teenager is taught that her personality will always come second to her physical attractiveness. The female teenager feels that her voice is relevant to an extent; but becomes irrelevant when faced with the voice of a man. The female teenager learns to value her personality, intelligence, capabilities, personal stamina, logical reasoning and lifetime achievements always second to her physical form.
We do this to our female teenagers by exposing them to various forms of media which were, and are, in fact created by powerful, heterosexual men. This includes television programs, films, magazines, theater, and of course, advertisements. We do this to such an extent, in fact, that female teenagers begin to associate the words “female” and “woman” with beauty secrets, losing weight, breast size, physical shape, makeup, hair, the colour pink, high heels, dresses and skirts. We portray women as weak, indecisive, superficial, dependent and purely one-dimensional in many popular, mainstream films and television programs. We then indirectly teach our female daughters that their looks and sexual appeal is in fact what they owe to society. Not just to men, but to society in general.
The male child grows up into the male teenager. The male teenager is encouraged through the media to identify with his penis more than he identifies with his own brain. We do this by portraying women as seductive, irresistible, physically appealing pieces of meat which are simply present to service and fulfill the sexual desires of a man. We teach our teenage boys that it is healthy to masturbate, that it is normal. But, in contrast, female masturbation is to this day a taboo and unspoken topic. We teach teenage boys the value of earning money, more-so than we teach teenage girls the value of earning money. We teach teenage boys that money/wealth equates to worth/entitlement. Whereas, in contrast, we teach teenage girls that a sexually appealing exterior equates to worth/entitlement.
As much as we would all like to believe otherwise, all of this has to do with teenage and young adult sexuality. The teenage girl is left expecting to be pursued by the teenage boy. The teenage boy is left feeling it is his responsibility to claim a teenage girl/teenage girls as his own. The teenage girl is left associating her own sexuality solely with the sexual gratification of teenage boys. The teenage boy is left associating the girl’s sexuality as solely being present to service his own sexuality.
As our sons and daughters grow, so does their sexuality. It is common in our current day for teenagers to have underage sex. Teenage boys are programmed to believe that “losing their virginity” is possibly the most important part of growing up and “becoming a man”. Teenage girls are taught to deny their own sexuality. They are taught that they should only have sex when they are “in love” with the teenage boy. They are taught that they “owe” their teenage boyfriends sexual activity in order to “keep” the teenage boyfriend.
What we are left with as a consequence to this is harmful underage sex. Our sons and daughters are irresponsibly having sex, and dealing with social, physical and emotional consequences, potentially harming their development, and furthermore, harming their transition into adulthood.
Our teenage boy loses his virginity and he feels “like a man”. How did it make him feel? Amazing. How long did he last? Hours. He’s a hero. Other teenage boys see him as an idol, something to aspire to. From the get-go, our teenage son’s first time receives such a social applause that he believes, as a consequence, that the more sexual encounters he partakes in, the more worth and popularity he is therefore entitled to.
Our teenage girl loses her virginity and she is socially criticized. She is plagued with guilt from herself and her social group. Did she “give it up too quick”? Did she “truly love him?” Was she, in fact, “too young”? Was she dating him for an acceptable period of time? Did he appreciate the “gift” she “gave him”? Did she bleed? Was it sore? Socially, she is left answering these questions, both outright and indirectly. She is certainly not celebrated for losing her virginity. Other teenage boys may begin to lose interest in pursuing her because she’s “damaged goods”, a “slut” or “easy”.
I don’t think any good can come from teenagers having multiple sexual partners. Therefore, I would be less inclined to say “men and women should have the freedom to have as many sexual partners as they choose!” Of course they should. But I would not recommend it for teenagers.
The problem is this: we praise our teenage daughters for virginity, but we do not praise our teenage sons for virginity. But what if we praised both genders for virginity? What if, instead of applying the motto that “boys will be boys”, we advise our boys to wait until they are 17-18 or older to engage in sexual activity? What if we also teach our teenage boys to “respect their bodies”? I have rarely if ever heard the term “respect your body” applied to a teenage boy.
Our teenage boys should not be taught to think with their penises. They should be taught to think with their brains and with their emotions. Our teenage girls should not be taught to go through their lives with sexual guilt. I don’t recommend either gender think primarily with their genitals. I recommend that all teenagers go into sex with caution.
There is a tremendous level of potential damage caused by labeling a teenage girl a “slut”. As discussed, she is already taught that her sexual attractiveness equates to her level of worth. But, if labeled a “slut”, her previous unconscious feelings on this are essentially confirmed.
I would love to see a world where both boys and girls are responsible and open-minded. I do not feel that “losing your virginity” should ever be something that has social consequences at all. In fact, “losing your virginity” is, in my opinion, not something to be “lost” at all, but something to be embraced, but with caution, preparation and emotional readiness.
Men and women are different. But, they’re not as different as we are lead to believe they are. Both genders are capable of variable forms of intelligence, ambition, passion and emotion. Both genders are capable of becoming leaders and protesters. Both genders should have the opportunity to be functioning, intelligent human beings before they are ever functioning, intelligent men and women.
Men and women’s brains are not as different as we are lead to believe they are. In fact, for instance, studies show that men succeed more than women in areas of science and maths. But, have we ever considered that women simply do not attempt to succeed in these areas because they are programmed to believe that men are simply “better at it”?
I would like to see a world that is not defined by gender, but instead defined by human ability. Would you?
Aisling Kelleher 